Parody
by Rekno
Summary: I'm sick of slash fanfiction. This is my own addition to the mix.


Jayne sat in the main cargo bay of Serenity, reading a giant book entitled "PARODY," and masturbating. He thought to himself "hmm, this reading thang is not only uncharacteristic of me but gives me the perfect reason to have meaningless internal dialogue. Yes, this is an amazing plot device."

At that point Mal came in, and watched Jayne masturbate from above, imagining Jayne's rough fingers enclosing his own throbbing member, and as he imagined it, he began to get an erection. Jayne smelled the man stench from where he say, and turned around, looking deep into Mal's eyes. They knew each other then. They knew the only way this meeting could have any deep significance would be if they had sex. Right then.

Somewhere else on Firefly, Wash and Simon were having a contrived conversation only intended to press on the unimportant plot line.

"Simon," Wash said. "Have you ever been to no," Simon said, oddly flat and completely unlike his character on the actual, finely crafted TV show. "I have not. Why, is it interesting?"

"It is a trash heap. Occasionally, one finds a gem or two. You know, some people who actually think about what they're writing. But mostly you find gaysex."

"Gaysex? Why, that is not appalling. It is a beautiful thing," Simon said, obviously hiding his evident feeling for every male member of the ship.

"Well, yes, I agree. But these horny school girls are taking cherished characters, developed by both actor, writer, and director, and putting them into completely unrealistic situations, and inevitably the two male characters end up having gaysex. It is vile."

Simon looked at Wash with ravenous eyes of a horny middle school boy. "Well, when in Rome…" Wash dropped his pants. The scene changed.

River was busy eating out Kaylie, when suddenly she realized that lesbian sex, although more popular in the pornography industry, holds very little sway in the world of fanfiction. She picked her head out of Kaylie's dripping crouch. "Kaylie," she said, spitting out pubic hair. "Let's go watch gaysex. It's far more popular."

Zoe was alone. Inara was nowhere to be found, and everyone else was getting some. So Zoe sat in her room, reading a book entitled "SATIRE: DIFFERENT FROM PARODY" and crying, softly. Then a knock came at the window. She looked out. There was a man. A black man. She knew she would at last be happy. To hell with Wash, she knew he was secretly fudge packing Simon. Now, Zoe had a real man. She quickly motioned to the air chamber, and ran, breasts bobbling, down the hall towards her next big lay.

Jayne was fucking Mal up the ass, pounding his prostate oh so gloriously with every stroke. Both men cried in ecstasy, so much that their cries reached the operating room, where Simon had Wash tied up with IV tubes. Simon smiled, and grabbed the tubes, dragging the now well-laid wash into the cargo bay.

"Man ORGY!" Cried Mal and Simon, in uncommon glee, at the same time. They all squealed. At this point, Jayne pulled out of Mal, and Mal began topping Jayne, while being taken from behind by Simon, who was of course being penetrated by Wash (who was no longer tied up, thanks to the sharks), who was at the same time jerking off the throbbing Jayne.

Then River and Kaylie came out from their hiding places (both physically and metaphorically, and at the same time they had orgasms). River took Wash's hand and gently applied it to her no-no place, and bent down, sucking off Jayne. Kaylie split Mal and Simon, inserting Mal's member into her juicy juice hole, and began to stroke the waiting Simon. Of course, now, if you're keeping track, Simon is being wacked off by Kaylie, and also fucking Jayne, who is being wacked off by River. Are we clear? Good. Next scene!

Zoe sat on her bed, naked and unhappy. He looked at the man next to her. "I guess there's a good reason they call you Early."

"Not fair. Low blow."

"Low blow, long blow, short blow. Let's go to the orgy. There's gaysex there."

Back in orgy central, River and Kaylie were both being double penetrated by the four lustful men. It was an ass and pussy extravaganza. Then suddenly, Jayne noticed Kalyie eating out someone else. It was not Zoe, because she and Early were still coming from the last scene.

"Who pretty lady?" Said Jayne, now more characteristically stupid, but still not quite right.

"Oh, this is Veronica Mars. She's visiting."

"STOP THE ORGY!" Cried Mal.

Everyone stopped sexing. It was disappointing, but Mal was the leader, so everyone listened to him.

"Who is Veronica Mars, and why is she here?"

"Oh," said Veronica, "The Author sent me. He said it would be funny to see an overrated show get fucked up the ass by an underrated, underappreciated show. Well, I guess now would be a good time, right?"

Veronica bent over, revealing her butthole to everyone, who proceeded to fuck said butthole. Everyone. Even the women. They used strapons. It was a good experience for everyone, even Veronica. The author was not pleased that Veronica derived pleasure from this, so the Reavers warped into the ship, using Star Trek technology, and proceeded to rape Veronica, and only Veronica. It was bad. And stuff. They like, quadruple penetrated her ass. And then they skinned her alive, while still having sex with her. And then they had sex with her skin. Then they ate her skin, and continued to have a Reaver gangbang with the body.

Everyone else on the ship watched on. The Reaver's stopped, and looked at them. One of them stood forward. "I am the Reaver leader. Yes, we really shouldn't have leaders because we're too unorganized, but think about how such unorganized rabble could have possibly piloted shitty ships all throughout the galaxy. Yeah, doesn't make much sense, does it?"

"You know else doesn't make sense?" Cried Dr. Greg House from the crate he was inside. "House, Wilson sex. There's no reason for us to have sex. We're straight men, who pretty much hate each other. Why would anyone ruin such a finely crafted plot line by making two parties who would never have sex have sex?"

"Yeah, it doesn't make any sense," said Wilson, in the crate next to House. Then they had sex.

Zoe and Early came into the room. Unimportant, what's more important was the chant slowly coming from the remaining live members of the crew, and some of the more stupid Reavers. And Inara, who had just come out of an air duct to see what all the fuss was about. They were shouting "Grissom, Grissom, Grissom." They all stopped, and Jayne stepped forward, pointing his hand at… well, the author.

"Hey, you pea brained idiot, we want Grissom! He'll explain it to us!"

"Yeah!' Cried everyone else, in perfect unison.

"No, no." Said the author. "I refuse to include any original and/or non Joss Whedon shows in this fan fiction." With that, the entire cast of Buffy and Angel appeared, looking dumbfounded, but happy, because they knew they were in fanfiction land, and so someone was going to get laid.

Then House cried out loudly, and it wasn't because he was being double-banged by both Spike and Wilson, but it was because he suddenly realized the author's last comment was a direct burn against his TV show. The Foreman came out of the closet to speak for the entire House show.

"Now, what do you mean by that?"

"Well, you see, House is just about as original as CSI: Miami and CSI: New York. Really, you guys should have just called it CSI: Hospital."

Foreman, Cameron, Cuddy, Tritter, Wilson, and Chase all agreed with this. House would have agreed but he was the in middle of a massive gaysex orgasm.

Then they all had sex. Every single person crammed into the Cargo Bay. Even the Reavers got some, but mostly with Veronica Mars. We're talking a serious orgy. Oz was getting it with Kaylie, while Xander and Jayne explored each other's deep, dark places. Then, for some reason, the Power Rangers showed up and started to fuck every member of Charmed (which, by the way, was a total rip off of Buffy, just with worse writing). After that, Drace Malfoy rode in on Harry's Firebolt (and not the broom), and proceeded to have sex with every single male member of the Chip's cast. By this point, the women were sick of men, and were having sex with only women. If any men were actually reading this right now, they would probably have found it quite sexy, but I'll spare you the details, save only to say that Willow really is a lesbian (she made more women orgasm than Mal and Early put together, but that's not saying much).

The author, disappointed at this outcome, looked down upon everyone. Using his omnipotent power, he had them all stick against the walls, just seconds before they all orgasmed. Because that is torture. "Look, everyone. You're original characters were pretty much all worthwhile entertainment. Fanfiction should be… a way of furthering the story, in a way that does not harm anyone, or turn every situation into an excuse to have gaysex. Fanfiction should be a form of expression, where you say 'this is what I think would have happened if.' Not 'this is I think would have happened if these two people were not who they were and had sex.' That's what porn is for. Now, fuck you guys, I'm going to go watch Adaptation." And before anyone could get the reference, Serenity blew up. Why? Because I said so. Who am I? Dr. James Dorian of course! Now if you'll excuse me, two members of my cast are going to do something socially awkward and attempt to solve their problem by seeking the advice of someone else (I'll give you an update at halftime) and by the end of the episode, we'll all have learned a lesson! Now Turk, honey, come back to bed.


End file.
